Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thanks to my sister I finally got myself into blogging. I'm always writing in my journal so I figured why not write about my little dudes here. I have 2 wonderful little boys who I love and adore very much, Ezra and Kimball. They teach me something new everyday and my desire to teach them has never been greater. I want to start this blog off by saying I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me well. The reason I say that is 5 months ago, I humbly got on my knees and asked for help. I was tired of living my life with no plan or purpose. I just ended a relationship, no job, and worst of all I didn't have my boys. Not being around the boys all the time was so hard for me. But I felt it was very important they were together than apart. Looking back now I feel their was a reason why I allowed the boys to live with their father. They moved to Phoenix with Bryan at the beginning of the school year. Which gave me time to seriously put things in perspective. I didn't want to blame everyone else for my failures anymore. November 2009 is when I started my journey of what I call my repentance process.
Everyday I climb the toes, at the bottom looking up, I would think, "Here's another climb Nat, u can do it!" Once I get to the top I would have my daily pleading and outpouring gratitude of blessings for what I have. Little by little I felt my eyes opening to what I felt I lost forever. I started to feel less guilty praying and a greater desire to make things right in my life. So each time I climb this HUGE mountain (that's what it felt like the first week), I would make goals to get a little closer to Heavenly Father. The dark side would tell me, "U can't go back, u can't be forgiven for what you've done!" But my heart would tell me otherwise, "Don't give up, keep going!"
A couple weeks after I made the step of moving forward, I knew I would have to go through a trial period. Friends were calling, text messages were pouring in like rain at times. But my heart was only in one place, with Ezra and Kimball. I was happy when Thanksgiving rolled around, because I got to spend some time with little dudes. I cherished every moment with them and the thought of them going back to Phoenix made me really sad. I remember one night laying in bed, I usually put on the Sirius radio to country and fall asleep listening to music. But that night I let my thoughts get the best of me, "How can Heavenly Father forgive me? How can I forgive myself? How do I face this person I hurt so badly?"
Out of nowhere I hear these words, " It doesn't matter what you've done, I still love you. It doesn't matter where you've been, you can still come home!"
It felt like a warm blanket wrapped around me right after hearing those words and I knew at that moment, that if I continued to listen to the spirit I would continue to make right choices. So every time I hear that song, I can't help but be thankful for making GOOD choices as Ezra would say.
Good things continued to follow for me and my little dudes. Bryan text me the next day and told me, "I think you might have to keep them another week."
Well 1 week turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I love being a mother, their is no greater calling. The best thing I can give my boys is a faithful mother who teaches by example. They come first with everything I do. I can honestly say I am truly happy and it's all because of the gospel.